Daddy Issues

God, The Patriarchy, and Ibram X. Kendi

A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God? ~Stephen Colbert

There’s a great deal of agitated public discourse dedicated to “narratives” nowadays. “Narratives” are essentially the spin placed on historic events, cultural traditions, customs and mythology, racial and gender identity—and the spin depends on the spinner. Some of these narratives morph into tropes and hashtags, and become embedded primarily due to their banality, and thus, their easy utility.

“The Patriarchy” has become ubiquitous in our culture, a sort of man-hating catch-all, the “Simon Legree” Uber Villain, the Great White Oppressor. THE MAN.

I sheepishly admit that my primary purpose in this post might be to correct what I emphatically feel is the misuse of a term. At its simplest, a Patriarch is a Father. From the Greek patria, for family, and arkhes, for ruler, the patriarch is the leader, the founder; the head of a church or congregation. In Judeo-Christian faith, the patriarchs are the fathers of the human race; guys like Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.

I was born a Jew, and raised in a mixed faith household. My Dad wasn’t Jewish, my Mom was. I still identify racially/culturally as Jewish, but when I came out as gay in my teens, and felt that organized religion had no place for me, I began to explore other sources of spiritual and philosophical strength. I explored chanting, and meditation, and yoga; I studied Landmark Education (the next level of EST—and something I intend exploring in another post). I got interested in quantum physics, and ideas like The Secret and the Teachings of Abraham. My apartment walls were covered with vision boards and affirmations. Since then, I’ve become a fairly confirmed Atheist, and my way of being with others, my ethos, is decidedly Humanist. I like the definition of the great gay British author, E.M. Forster: Humanism has four core characteristics: curiosity, a free mind, belief in good taste, and belief in the human race.

All four of these characteristics, to me, are essential to being a good actor, which is partially why they ring true for me. They have also been useful as I have grown to adulthood as a gay man, often an outsider, a member of a minority. I acknowledge that I write this essay during the holiest time of year for the world’s major religions, with the convergence of Easter, Passover and Ramadan, and that I am treading on sacred ground here. I come in peace. I just want to ask those who practice these religions, and who also believe that the West is built upon an oppressive and tyrannical Patriarchy: how do you reconcile your faith and your socio-political beliefs?

A good father is one of the most unsung, unpraised, unnoticed, and yet one of the most valuable assets in our society. ~ Billy Graham

Yeah, I quoted Billy Graham. It’s a great quote. We need our fathers. Don’t we? And if we don’t, then we have to wrestle with ourselves over the fact that most of Western myth, our literature, much of our music and art, and the template for the organization of our government are all built upon one story. The story of God the Father. This is especially the case in Christian faith:

1 Corinthians 8:6 – “Yet for us there is one God, the Father, from whom all things are and for whom we exist, and one Lord, Jesus Christ, through whom all things are and through whom we exist.”

Growing up Jewish, the story of Abraham was at the heart of my religious education. I imagine he featured large for Christian and Muslim youngsters as well, since Abraham was the Father of all Abrahamic religions. Abraham personifies deep faith and devotion, and his willingness to make the ultimate sacrifice at God’s command make him the original Patriarch. Abraham established masculine ideals of honor and courage and service to the community, whatever that community might be; ideals that many men have aspired to live by. Many have succeeded.

I recently expressed an opinion online that I didn’t trust Mr. Ibram X. Kendi, author of How To Be an Antiracist and the acknowledged leader of the Antiracist movement, because he would never debate his ideas or engage in public forums where his views might be challenged. Someone commented on my comment with, “Why should he engage in anything? Who do you think you are?”

My question is, who does Mr. Kendi think he is? His words and ideas have become institutionalized and yet he is above defending them? My friend John McWhorter, in his book Woke Racism, likens the movement to a religion, and if it is—and certainly it has cult-like qualities and adherents—then Mr. Kendi is its High Priest. I mention him merely as an illustration of how every movement or “revolution” has its charismatic leader, often a charismatic cisgender male leader. I also happened to notice something telling about Mr. Kendi’s chosen name.

He was born Henry Rogers, but later changed his name to Ibram X. Kendi. Ibram of course is a variant of the Islamic Ibrahim, or, yep, you got it—Abraham. Ibrahim means “High Father.” So, Henry chose the name of the father of all faiths. The ultimate Patriarch. Then he gives us “X,” which certainly invokes Malcolm X, the radical civil rights activist—he of the phrase “by any means necessary.” And finally, Kendi, which, in Swahili means “The Loved One.” If you want to set yourself up as the Patriarch of a religion-um-er-movement, you couldn’t choose a more Patriarchal moniker for yourself. Just an observation. There are many kinds of faith and many religions, and there are many prophets…false and otherwise.

So, what about #F*CKTHEPATRIARCHY?

Are there obscenely wealthy men hoarding the wealth of the world and consolidating all the power? An oligarchy of the Uber-Rich pulling the strings for their own benefit? Yes. We know there are. But there’s nothing remotely fatherly about such people. Just watch Succession.

That is not a patriarchy—it may be dominated by men, but that’s not a patriarchy. It’s a high stakes “gentleman’s club.” Such goons are not leaders, or providers, or even— as tycoons were once upon a time—philanthropists. And to judge all men, and all male leaders, past and present, from the presumption that the only way men ever reach prominence or power is via corruption and cruelty…well, it seems to me to imply that the ultimate Patriarch, the entity known as God, is rather more like Zeus—greedy, whimsical, vengeful.

We all know what a good father is, even if we didn’t all have one. Sure, there are some persistent male patterns and behaviors we could do without, hangovers from the young men who survived the wars of the 20th century. Stoicism, unhealthy emotional control, workaholism…alcoholism. But there are some fatherly qualities we would do well to bring back, I think. Maybe they’re just masculine qualities—in the traditional sense—but they feel true to me. Qualities like self sacrifice, responsibility, service, strength, honor—I know, I know, we can all embody these qualities if we choose to cultivate them.

My Dad’s service portrait. He was a Korean War vet.

I guess what I’m getting at is that I have awe and admiration for the cisgender white men I descend from. I do. Most men of my generation and younger know nothing of things like conscription and Selective Service. We never really had to worry about it. There are lots of privileges men like my father, and my grandfathers, and uncles were granted for being able bodied, white, cisgender men. The privilege to fight, and perhaps die, for one’s country. That service brought the privilege of the G.I. Bill, which enabled my Dad to attend college. The privilege to take on the family business from one’s father, even if other horizons or careers beckoned. The privilege to emigrate at ten, like my grandfather did, from abject poverty in Eastern Europe, and to strive to manhood, then fatherhood; to learn seven languages, to work a good job, to own a home, and provide college educations for his children.

Fathers. I vote we get rid of this vile distortion of the term Patriarchy. We need our elders, our fathers and grandfathers, godfathers and mentors, and yes, our heroes, our legends, our Gods. It’s okay to be a man, and to aspire to be a good one. We need strong men. We need strong people, yes. But we do need strong men, strong fathers. Good fathers, like my amazing brother Alex. His enduring marriage and his brilliant adult kids are all evidence of his truly awesome fatherhood. Let’s take back the Patriarchy.