The Limits of Tolerance

My friends at the Foundation Against Intolerance and Racism (FAIR) asked me to contribute an essay as part of a series of perspective pieces they’re curating for their Substack on the subject of Pride. The request came at the same time I was preparing an encore performance of my act, Lived Experience. This very personal one man show is, in part, a celebration of gay culture and my creative journey within it over many years. So, it’s entirely possible that the tone and substance of my piece are drenched in a sense of nostalgia. That’s okay. I’m more than willing to be labeled a fossil. However, the essay I composed is not a middle-aged paean to my lost gay youth. It’s intended to be a loving and motivating plea to young people who inhabit the LGBTQIA+ community, and intend to march this Pride, to know where the whole thing started; to recognize why and in what ways Pride can be a powerful and uplifting occasion, as well as a party. I try to awaken them to the responsibility they assume when they seek to represent such a broad swath of our society, made up of individuals with individual views and values. Mostly, I use the piece to express the true and abiding pride I feel as a gay man of my generation, for having been a small part of the achievement of rights and freedoms that fifty years ago were impossible.

The very thoughtful and intelligent editor at FAIR suggested edits, and chose the title, The Case For Pride. Not exactly right, but I didn’t have a better one. The essay went up, and within twenty four hours, several lengthy, vitriolic, and, in a few instances, totally unhinged comment threads appeared. Most of these rants had absolutely nothing to do with what I’d written, so I can only assume the ranters hadn’t read it. They saw that title, and leapt at the chance to unload. Now, I’ve been off Twitter since long before it became X, and it’s been a while since I’ve encountered the sort of pile-on my little piece inspired. Heretofore, my few hundred subscribers on Substack have greeted my posts with thoughtful, intelligent comments, suggestions for further reading, and occasionally a lively disagreement. This was something else. FAIR’s leadership has reached out to express their sincere shock and disappointment at the comments, which took us all aback. I invite you to give it a read.

I’m gonna just skip the bizarre, histrionic screeds that veer completely off the topic of Pride or anything contained in my writing, into Christian theological debate and insane conspiracy theories about a “Zionist genocide.” But some of the other comments made me suddenly and vividly aware, after many years, that certain kinds of hate and hateful narratives are lurking just below the surface, and can be so easily conjured up.

There have always been flamboyant, outrageous displays and expressions since the very first Gay Liberation and Pride parades—these came out of the subculture of bars and clubs where gay people gathered and for many, bringing those expressions out into the daylight has been enormously liberating. From the beginning, conservative media and religious moralists have focused only on those images—every year, it is the most outrageous that makes the evening news: look at the freaks. For that very reason, many gay people reject Pride and don’t wish to be associated with elements that bring negative attention and backlash. It’s become far worse as gender ideology and a new kind of queer activism have expanded the “community,” requiring folks to contemplate where, if anywhere, they still belong under that ever growing acronym of identities.

I’m not in favor of overtly sexual behavior, fetishist and kink activity in public spaces and in view of children. There are numerous events, kink conferences, leather competitions, and festivals celebrating myriad sexual expressions annually across the nation and throughout the gay world. Plenty of welcoming places where consenting adults may frolic in whatever style they fancy, amongst those similarly inclined. It isn’t some painful sacrifice of anyone’s truth to rein it in a bit in public. Some act out in this manner as a provocation, to get in people’s faces and make them uncomfortable; to chant about “coming for their children.” It’s political, it’s extreme, it’s often juvenile and embarrassing, and it has little to do with my life, my gay identity, or my lived experience or sense of dignity. There’s no question that the radical left that has redefined what the “community” is (right down to redesigning its flag) bears some responsibility for a growing tide of anti-gay sentiment and conservative political weaponization of it. Many of the LGB are pulling away more and more from the T, Q and the rest of it.

So, here are a few excerpts from the comments on my case for Pride:

I used to support pride. No longer. The gay rights movement came to prominence due to a simple agreement: You may not agree with what we do in private, but it's private…In the last 10 years in particular, this bargain has been broken. Now gay behavior is out in public.

The gay rights movement didn’t make strides because gay people agreed to keep their “behavior” private. In fact, and this is one of the primary points I make in my essay, it was the refusal to remain closeted—to be out—and an unwillingness to accept a society where we can’t hold our loved ones’ hands or exchange a kiss in public. It’s clear that the person making this comment equates “gay behavior” with public sexual behavior:

I am not happy seeing a bunch of screaming gay guys fondling each other in public and simulating sexual acts during pride.

I don’t think people need to be vulgar or engage in indecent activities in public. But to someone like this, two shirtless men embracing and kissing would be considered objectionable “gay behavior.” To that I say: you’re “not happy” seeing it? Don’t attend Pride. If you think any demonstration of love by gay people should happen “in private,” I got news for ya—we’re not going back there.

This same individual goes off on “the trans and queer agenda” and in particular, drag queen story hour:

Gay proponents of drag demand the ability to have access to children, despite the fact that many gays are on the sex offender list.

And…there it is: the old spectre of some predatory gay man going after children. Do I think drag queens, especially ones who replicate the racy performances they give for adult audiences, should be in kid’s schools and libraries? I don’t. The misguided activists who started the fad appropriated something from gay male adult culture and plopped it in front of kids as some answer to early “queer” education, with reckless disregard as to how this might reverse all the progress we made in dispelling fears about gay men and kids. Are we responsible for other people’s disgust and prejudice? No. But are drag queens entertaining kids important enough to risk dredging up all the old fears and hatred again? No. Leave kids alone. I don’t blame people for being alarmed at what kids today are taught and exposed to. And let me tell ya—growing up in the suburbs of Boston in the ‘70s as a little, sensitive, effete boy was rough, but I managed to grow into a fairly well adjusted gay adult without having had drag queens in school. Sadly, like many gay boys of my generation, I was sexualized very young, and it’s wrong. Let children be children. Should states pass draconian laws banning drag? Of course not! But politicians and conservative activists wouldn’t go to such lengths if drag stayed where it belongs—as a fabulous part of adult gay culture.

If gay folks do not want the backlash THAT IS UNDERWAY, the overt public sexually explicit stuff needs to end. No more drag story hour. No more sex acts in public. Do what you want in private - in public you scare the horses and offend normal people.

It’s interesting that this person reached back to the 1890s for that “frighten the horses” reference—a quip made during the trial of Oscar Wilde, in which he was convicted of gross indecency, sentenced to prison with hard labor, and had his life utterly ruined. Nothing like a Victorian throwback to highlight how far we haven’t come. Here’s another:

Personally, I find it absurd to be either ashamed, or proud, of one's sexual preference. I get that saying I'm proud feels like a rebuttal to those who think one should be ashamed, but I don't think it's rational to rebut a silly thing by saying an equally silly opposite thing.

Next up on the hit parade: sexual orientation being reduced to a “preference.” That’s a real old chestnut: I’m gay because I chose to indulge my preference for sex with men and my sexual proclivities which deviate from the norm are not something to be proud of—that’s just “silly.” Sexual orientation is a naturally occurring, integral part of some human beings’ identities. It’s not a choice, or a “preference,” and gay pride is not a rebuttal to prove we’re not ashamed. It’s about actually not being ashamed.

Everyone has a right to live their life as they see fit here, but when it’s been hijacked by certain ideological activists, maybe it needs to end.

The “it” referred to is Pride. It may need to end, maybe. Many of today’s young people exploring and questioning their sexuality, addicted to protest and confrontation, steeped in “queer studies” and obsessed with esoteric concepts of gender, are careening off into regions where I can’t and won’t follow. I don’t understand a lot of it and they don’t either; and when the “community” is expanded to include more and more identity groups that have little to nothing in common with each other, with an implicit ultimatum: “you’re with us, or you’re a far right Nazi and a transphobe exerting your gay white male privilege,” there’s gonna be inevitable fracturing, as people are forced to disassociate and look after their own interests. I plead in a loving way in my essay to young folks, who consider themselves a part of that community, to understand, from an older gay man’s perspective, just what has been achieved in the movement toward equality, and what’s at stake if their actions undo that progress. This is why the whole idea of an LGBTQIA+ “community” is unrealistic and doomed, because it mandates the inclusion of a dizzying diversity of identities and genders, but requires total conformity to one rigid set of political and ideological agendas and goals. This next one is choice:

Just a thought: did you ever consider that no one cares that you are out there? You are the one who seems to need the attention and drama. The rest of us are a little busy living our lives. 

I’m not sure who the “you” is here. As for attention and drama, darling, after three decades on stage, I got that need covered, thank you. For someone who claims not to care, and who, along with “the rest of us” (who’s “us?”) is so busy living a life, you certainly made time to spew a nasty comment on a piece you evidently didn’t read. But you did follow it up by wishing me “my best life.” Thanks love, I do my best.

How about this one:

James, believe me when I say the world knows you all are prideful of who you are. We have heard all of you loud and clear. For most of the rest of us we are indifferent and tired of hearing about it. I do not say this to you to diminish you in any way. 

Oh, well, that’s a relief. I appreciate you overcoming your indifference and weariness in order to share criticisms that don’t diminish me in any way.

One of my only responses on the comment threads expressed my dismay at the reception to my piece, and that people who align themselves with the Foundation Against Intolerance and Racism appear to be so very intolerant. This I received as a reposte:

It’s a pity you envisioned a different response from your column; that doesn’t make us bigots. We’re just tired of being told what to think, and judging all of us under a very narrow lens…maybe that’s your problem to resolve, not ours.

I didn’t call anyone a bigot. I didn’t tell anyone what to think and I didn’t judge anyone. Methinks the lady doth protest. It’s called projection. If you’re sensing that someone might perceive you as narrow or bigoted, that seems like a “you” problem to me. The only problem in need of resolving is with yourself as a member of FAIR, which in its mission statement “promotes a common culture based on fairness, understanding and humanity.”

I joined FAIR because people I greatly respect and admire, such as John McWhorter and Glenn Loury, were affiliated with the organization; also brave artists like Kevin Ray, Rosie Kay and Clifton Duncan, all of whom share my concerns about DEI, its destructive effect on the arts and our common culture, and alarm at the growing threat all around us from new forms of racism and intolerance. FAIR has been supportive of my voice in the conversation, amplifying the work I do on Substack and inviting me into the FAIR in the Arts community. I applaud their commitment to free expression and exchange of ideas, and thank them for honoring my point of view and the life experience which shaped it. It’s entirely possible that the kind of Pride I advocate for and celebrate in my piece for FAIR simply can’t exist anymore. My impassioned plea to young people to respect and embrace the rich history and unique culture that they are heirs to? Well, maybe I’m just naive and out of touch. Maybe not.

Let me leave you with one very different comment, which restored some faith in my message and made all this worthwhile. This one young person—the kind of young person I was speaking to directly in my piece—got it. This thoughtful, forthright 21 year-old generously let me know she heard me:

I haven't been to pride personally, and I get why people are turned off by it, especially young people. I am 21, I grew up in a time where my high school GSA was filled with students complaining about teachers not respecting their neopronouns. At the same time, there's an undeniable bond that happens between members of our community because nearly all of us have, at one point or another, had to ask if our families' love for us is really unconditional, if they would be able to love the person we're in love with. That's why I love learning about LGBT history. People are eager to find the most lewd image from a pride parade and dismiss it all as crazy and useless, but for young gay, trans, and bisexual folks, we should not forget the lineage of people who fought for our right—my right—to marry who I want and to live in a world where the debate is about whether we still need a parade.

I didn't realize I liked women until the year after gay marriage was legalized, and I don't take that lightly. Everyone who came before me and made that possible has my deepest gratitude and respect.

THANK YOU. You’re the future, I hope. Go forth with love and gratitude. Be proud (not “prideful”), of LGBT+ people past and present, and be proud of the evolution of human understanding we all achieved as people have identified with our struggle and our common human desire to belong and to flourish.