"Wisenheimer" Part One

Pilot/Episode 1: "The Phone Call" (Part One)

What follows are the first pages of my pilot script, “WISENHEIMER.” Every week, a few pages will post, in the spirit of serial storytellers like Dickens and Maupin—and this content is for paid subscribers only! Five bucks a month? C’mon, such a deal.

DISCLAIMER: “WISENHEIMER” is for adults over 18. If produced, it would bear an MA rating. It’s for grown-ups. There is sexual content and the story deals with strong adult themes, as well as socio-political satire and comedy. “WISENHEIMER” is an original work of fiction, written entirely by me, all rights reserved.

You can view the video pitch deck for “WISENHEIMER” here. And for a brief primer on basic screenplay stuff for easier reading, this is helpful.

FADE IN:

EXT. CANTWELL HOUSE - DAY

A handsome house in an upscale suburb. The driveway and street in front are lined with parked cars.

SUPERIMPOSE: New Jersey, 2016.

There are pink and lavender balloons on the front door. Bright sunshine.

INT. MIRIAM’S BEDROOM - DAY

Sunlight glows through the curtains in the cozy, feminine room.  

MIRIAM SCHOENBERG WISE (80), a beautiful old lady, is seated at the vanity table. She wears a lavender suit and pink silk blouse, her hair in a simple bun. 

Her daughter, NAOMI WISE CANTWELL (40s), leans in and pins a corsage to Miriam’s lapel. 

Miriam looks up at her, smiling. She reaches to touch her cheek. Naomi smiles back, weakly.

HARTLEIGH “HART” CANTWELL (19), her look one part Goth and three parts Anime, bounds in. She crouches by Miriam.  

HART

Ready, Gran?

Miriam smiles, nods.

INT. CANTWELL FOYER - DAY

At the foot of the curved staircase, a small gathering of friends and family await Miriam’s entrance. Among them are MACKENZIE CANTWELL (17), conventionally pretty, terminally bored; and her father, NEIL CANTWELL (40s.)

A banner across the foyer reads: “MIRIAM 80 YEARS YOUNG.”

On one wall, a framed poster from Carnegie Hall. A serious young woman posing with her violin and bow. Caption: “MIRIAM SCHOENBERG DEBUT.” 

Neil is operating the lights and sound.

NAOMI (O.S.)

Everybody ready?

EVERYONE

YES!

Neil shushes everyone.

NEIL

Computer: foyer lights to fifty percent!

The lights dim.  

A chair lift slowly descends the staircase on a track in the wall.  Miriam, regal, rides it down, with Naomi and Hart following on the stairs.

Everyone points phones at Miriam, taking photos and video.

NEIL

Computer: play Track One!

The foyer is flooded with MUSIC. An energetic violin piece, Caprice No.9 by Locatelli, played with virtuosity and brilliance.

Miriam, nearing the bottom of the stairs, flips out. Clapping her hands to her ears, she screams:

MIRIAM

OFF!!  TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!!

Hart rushes over to calm her. Miriam is shaking. Naomi shoots a glare at Neil.

NEIL

Computer: stop music!

The music cuts out. Stunned silence. Miriam calms down with Hart’s help.

Naomi briskly comes downstairs, through the group, shoulder checks Neil, and marches into the dining room.

NAOMI

Lunch, everyone?

INT. CANTWELL DINING ROOM - LATER

The family and guests sit around the large dining table. Silence except for the sound of forks clinking on plates.

Eyes occasionally dart to Miriam, seated at one end, staring into space. Her full plate of food is untouched.

Naomi, fuming, is seated at the other end, drinking wine.  Neil is next to her with Hart opposite.

To Miriam’s right is a very cute boy, COUSIN MIKEY(17). MacKenzie sits next to him. Shows him something on her phone. He stifles a laugh.

Miriam is suddenly alert. She starts eyeing the boy, grinning.

MIRIAM

Hello... I don’t remember inviting you. Such a punim! 

She leans over and pinches his cheek, then slaps it, a bit too hard.

COUSIN MIKEY

Um...ow.

Forks hit plates. Jaws drop. Hart breaks the silence.

HART

Let’s do cake!

She goes through to the kitchen with Neil. MacKenzie clears Miriam’s plate and follows them.

MIRIAM

You gonna have a slice of my cake, cutie?

Mikey is beet red. Miriam laughs, pulls out her bun, shakes her hair out.

Naomi pours herself another glass of wine.

Hart and MacKenzie bring in a huge cake, large “8”and “0” candles blazing.  Neil follows with paper plates and knife.

NEIL

Computer: play karaoke “Happy Birthday.”

A Guy Lombardo-style ORCHESTRATED TRACK plays. The assembly sings the birthday song as the cake is brought over and placed before Miriam.

The song finishes and there’s a smattering of applause. Someone shouts, “Speech!”

Miriam smiles at everyone and looks at the cake.

MIRIAM

Eighty? Are you sure? 

A little relieved laughter from the party.

MIRIAM

Fuck. How did that happen?

She throws her head back and laughs. Hart is loving it. MacKenzie is horrified. Naomi is livid. 

Miriam leers at Cousin Mikey.  

MIRIAM

You want to blow out my candles? 

COUSIN MIKEY

Um...

MIRIAM

I don’t look eighty, do I?

COUSIN MIKEY

Uh... no, no, not at all.

MIRIAM

You’ll see.  Look.

Miriam whips open her blouse, baring her breasts.

MIRIAM

Do these look eighty to you?

She laughs and shimmies a little. Everyone’s frozen. Except Hart. She’s laughing her head off.  

Miriam lets out a coyote howl and blows out the candles.

OPENING TITLE CARD: WISENHEIMER